ONLY JESUS

Can you believe it??? I leave in just 12 days!! It seems so bizzare.
I know that I have probably told you this a million times, but just to reitterate, this blog is meant to be raw and honest. I never want to sugar coat whats going on. Its totally okay to feel any way whether its immense anger, deep sorrow, outrageous joy, are anything in between.
Today I felt a mixture of all of these, even the in betweens. To be honest I'm still wrestiling with it which is why I'm blogging. It's my way of taking the things within and getting them out.

Some know about my trip to Haiti last year and others don't....
To give a brief overview....I have always had a desire for 3rd world missions. There have been certain instances in my life where that desire was made clearer. however, when i went to Haiti last year it became more than clear that this was my desire, but that its my life and my very being. I remember always praying "Lord break my heart for what breaks yours." He's always faithful....He is breaking my heart for what breaks His....
My heart is BREAKING!!!!

I expereinced several emotions since being home from Haiti and preparing for Africa. In fact as I prepare for Africa I am brought back to the things God taught me through the eyes of the Haitians.
One of those Haitians that God taught me through was a little boy named Jivens. Those who know me most have heard me talk about him and if they havent heard me talk to them well then i was obviously jacked up on coffee or down right tired.
Anyway, so here we are one year later and the youth group went back to the same village in Haiti. Thats where Jivens is at this very moment...Guitton, Haiti.
It absolutely tore me to pieces knowing that I couldn't go to Haiti this year. I miss Jivens voice and the way he looked with his eyes. I miss his mannerisms and how he was always shy except when I was around. Just typing this makes me miss him so much.
Anyway, my friend who went to Haiti made a video of him and I can not help but replay it over and over and over and over again. I just want to keep hearing his voice. Each time i play it i wish i was back in haiti more than anything to hug his sweet neck.
But I'm here.

Through this year and through missing Jivens so much God has shown me that Murfreesboro and the people in front of me are just as in need as Jivens in Haiti. The people I drive past, walk past, and see out of the corner of my eye are each as valuable as Jivens.
The deep compassion I have for Jivens should be for each person I see. Compassion and Love should never be conditional. But rather, unconditional.
I want to love each person the same that i have immensely loved Jivens. To do so Jesus has to become greater in me. and for that I simply need be still before Him and rest in His love...

okay I'm about to go on a rant...speaking of resting in his love.
People have asked how i've prepared for africa and if im prepared. I believe there is no 6 step process to preparing for a 3rd world country...there's is NO way!!! No matter what each person's experience is going to be something that only them and God truly know because it is such a deep work in the heart that can not be explained.
So the way i answer is simple...Yes I'm as prepared as i can be. I believe in Jesus who lives in me. Because Jesus lives in me I simply rest in His love and allow Him to do His thing. I have Jesus and he has me...what more do i need to do to prepare?? haha
It's only Jesus. It's only jesus. It's only JESUS!!!!!!

Another thing...Jesus has shown me that it's so easy to put the needs of people or countries above Him. It's easy for me to put Jivens above God. I don't want to do that. I want to Love Jesus more because when i love jesus more then i can love jivens and the people i will meet in swazi that much more!

A fear of mine is that I will place expectations from my experience in Haiti onto my trip to Swaziland. I do not want to do that at all. I want Haiti to be a past memory that has a place in my heart and has changed me but doesnt hinder me! I want to be completely present in Swaziland.

I simply pray for more of jesus and less of me. I can do nothing of my own. I can not stop fearing and stop being upset, i can not stop puttin jivens as an idol above God. I can't do it at all. It's christ in me!!! Christ IN me!! I need simply abide in Him. To cling to Jesus and rest in His love and grace as he becomes more and i become less. And as He begins to be above all else and be my reason for going and living and breathing. As i rest in His love, His love will cast out any fear and any ungodly motivation or action upon an emotion. ONLY JESUS!!!

I feel like I'm done writing for now and I have no idea what I have written until i read back over it later. All i know is that I have written was has come to mind and what the Lord is so graciously speaking to me.

"Oh daughter, I'm all you need. Let me be your everything. When you let go, you gain more because you gain me. Let go and allow me to become more in you so that you can love my people as I have loved you, touch my people as i have touched you. Just abide in me, cling to me, rest in me my beloved princess in whom i delight in. You are doing well just as you are. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. I am doing a work in you that is for the world to see so that they see me. Hold fast to me. Trust me. Only I can satisy and comfort and heal. So let me do that, you must drop your nets to come follow me. You can't take them with you. Leave the old and come to newness. Come to me my child. Let me love you and teach you. Stare into each person's eyes and see me-they hunger and thirst for life that only I can offer. You can offer that because of me in you. Trust me. Cling to me. Abide.
Let me love you more so that you can love me more to love my people as I have loved you."

This is what Jesus just spoke to me.

Love,
Laura Beth Harbin